samedi 16 juin 2018
I came out of a coma. It wasn't expected. It also surprised doctors and family that I wasn't in worse physical shape. I looked like I had lost in the boxing ring-both front teeth gone, tongue double its size and seriously bruised all over.
The stress of stoking the energy of my mother's life from the dying embers had overtaken me. The one thing that helped was forbidden by Mom's oldest daughter: rescuing broken animals and loving them back to health.
As I focused against the glaring hospital lights, I saw my sad, tiny mother sitting next to my snarling sister. "I just became your worst enemy," were the first words I heard her say. She stepped fully into that role and has done immeasurable damage to my life before and since then.
The kind of energy that my sibling exudes at me or anyone who challenges her is why I didn't want to be on this planet. It poisons people like me. Some of us can't absorb toxic energy and stay balanced. We are the writers, artists and creators from all walks of life and we co-create with the universe to bring our version of art to this world to raise the vibration.
I let myself get weak by focusing on someone else's needs in place of my own. A better plan would be to extend care in 'deposits' but always hold enough back to maintain a healthy, balanced life.
The police officer who showed up next to my hospital bed made eye contact and said, "Can you stand?" He helped me to my feet and added, "I prefer not to cuff you unless I have to." I knew but he didn't, "I had no fight left." I surrendered.
It's a good thing I did because at that point, I was no longer free. Reaching for the door handle for the first time was sobering. It wasn't there. I couldn't open it. Only a human wearing white had the authority to let me go.
Sobriety came on quickly when I learned that 'family' (my older sister) had requested 'permanent placement.' The nurse/social worker/person in white said they no longer do that. This is a 'temporary stop to check your meds and not an incarceration', she informed me. Nice that Sis thought of my future so highly.
"This ends here," I told myself. I was ready to listen to anyone who had answers. Little did I know that doctors didn't know what to do with alcoholics. They are as baffled as many drinkers are regarding why we do what we do to the extent that we do it.
Chemically imbalanced brains will make lethal choices. That is my definition of insanity.